Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – In another blow to the ailing US economy, Standards & Poor’s has downgraded the country’s debt rating to that of a degenerate adolescent.

“The financial state of the United States government is at historic lows,” according to a recent S&P news release. “It’s like an acne-prone, pothead teenager that never leaves the basement. It keeps asking to bum money, but has no intention of ever paying anything back or wearing a shirt.”

In an attempt to maintain international relations, President Obama called the downgrade “unfair” and “a gross exaggeration.” He said the economy is fine for at least a few more months.

“As anyone who has ever gotten behind on utility bills knows, the first few nasty letters are just warnings,” he told reporters. “It could take months before the power actually gets shut off. There is no reason to panic.”

The downgrade also drew the ire of a political action group determined to legalize marijuana.

“Comparing pot smokers to deadbeat economies is unfair and flat out rude,” said actor and pro-pot activist Woody Harrelson. “It’s just, like, man, you know, the universe is made of even smaller universes and atoms are like a crazy fruit juice that doesn’t taste like cookies.”

According to S&P analysts, the United States’ federal debt rating could tumble even further.

“There’s still a long way to fall,” an analyst said. “If corrective action isn’t taken, the country could hit the dreaded ‘Broke Musician’ status.