Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – In his continued effort to reduce violent collisions, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell levied a $100k fine against Mother Nature for the recent Virginia earthquake.

“Safety is our number one concern,” he told reporters. “If I have to fine every single earthquake, volcano and tidal wave until Nature gets the message, then that’s what I’ll do.”

Choosing the highest possible monetary fine was a “no brainer,” Goodell said. He also indicated that he may include mandatory anger classes and charitable appearances.

Still, the announcement came as no surprise to many.

“‘Goodie-Two-Shoes Goodell,’ as I call him, is out to take the excitement out of life,” linebacker James Harrison said. “He wants a flag football league, and he won’t stop until all the Grizzly bears in Yellowstone play freeze tag instead of eating campers.”

In other news, the Mayo Clinic has announced that it’s dedicating a large percentage of its research staff to study the long term impacts of frequent natural disasters.

“We’ve already noticed some interesting trends,” a Mayo Clinic spokesman said. “For instance, the average lifespan of those subjected to a major natural disaster is significantly shorter than the control groups. And the associated health problems compound when the person experiences more disasters.”

In related news, Standards and Poor’s further downgraded the United State’s Federal Debt Rating after the quake. Billionaire and former presidential candidate Donald Trump added, “That, my friends, was the sound of a bubble bursting.”