Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – Idaho Sen. John McGee’s recent drunken arrest is “all part of a bigger plan,” according to his newest political adviser, Hollywood playboy Charlie Sheen.

“John would have been a poster boy in the 1950, but this is 2011, things are different now,” Sheen told reporters. If you want to get ahead, you’ve got to stir up some controversy. You know, get yourself arrested a couple of times, beat up a prostitute or get caught doing cocaine with a hermaphrodite stripper.”

So far so good. McGee’s recent DUI and grand theft auto charges stemming from a Father’s Day incident when he stumbled away from a golf course early in the morning, stole an SUV and camp trailer, wrecked them, then wondered the streets talking about seeing angles and “the promised land” was, as Sheen says, “A great start.”

“I think the public is really going to like what we’ve got in store for them next,” Sheen said. “This was just Phase One.”

Phase Two is supposedly a sheepish apology to his friends, family and constituents and the promise of proper treatment. But that’s when ‘Phase Three’ will kick in, Sheen said.

“We’ve already worked out the logistics of a few well-timed relapses, and are securing a touring schedule for a one-man show,” Sheen said.

“It sends the message that John McGee is willing to give the people exactly what they want: Entertainment and debauchery. Look for him to go places in the next few years. I wouldn’t be surprised if he became Governor McGee or even President McGee.”

McGee has refused to comment on the recent arrest, other than to shout out, “Duh! Winning!”