Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – Move over religious cover ups and mystical math sects, you’ve got nothing on President Obama’s mysterious birth certificate according to “Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown.

According to his publicist, Brown’s newest Da Vinci Code sequel will follow his traditional history-based mystery theme, but with a more modern cover up: President Obama’s official place of birth.

“Dan is a huge history nut,” the publicist said. “And like all his texts, this new one is a wonderful combination of who-done-it, math, history and fancy algorithm sequences that only astronomers really care about.”

Brown later issued a personal statement: “This is probably my best effort yet. And it’s based on more solid facts than my other books, because this one was researched extensively by the Republican party.”

As a teaser, Brown released a rough pitch of the first act:

“It starts off with Abe Lincoln and Dick Cheney sewing the first American flag at the Alamo,” Brown said. “Then Ronald Reagan finds D.B. Cooper and personally etches a mathematical sequence on the surface of the moon. When Larry Craig is conned by the mainstream media, Newt Gingrich notices a pattern in the cotton fibers of his Confederate flag boxers that point to the biggest political cover up in the history of the Senate Ethics Committee.”

Hollywood has already expressed interest in transitioning the upcoming novel to the big screen, and is currently courting Arnold Schwarzenegger to star as Robert Langdon, the mathematician-hero who cranks out chin ups in correlation to the Fibonacci Sequence.