Cam Newton’s Dad Demands Raise
VANDER BITES – Moments after his superstar quarterback son led the Auburn Tigers to a 2011 BCS college football championship, Cecil Netwon left a “straight-to-the-point” message on Auburn’s athletic director’s answering machine: “If you want Cam to play next season, it’s gonna cost $500,000.”
Cecil, whose extortion tactics made national headlines when he demanded a cool $200,000 from Ole Miss in exchange for his son’s talents, said he upped the bidding based on simple market economics.
“With inflation the way it is, $200,000 just doesn’t go as far as it did a couple of years ago,” he said. “Besides, I’ve got $350,000 in legal bills as a result of the investigation. And when you look at it that way, I’m actually taking a loss here – this is a true fire sale, a once-in-a-lifetime deal.”
An Auburn Athletics spokesman expressed disappointment that “We’re still negotiating.”
“Sure we didn’t let him come to the (National Championship) game, but we put him up in the most expensive penthouse hotel in the Phoenix area,” he said. “And according to his room service bill, he easily topped $200,000 in cucumber sandwiches and adult movies in a matter of hours.”
Sources close to the negotiations say Cecil wants his son to suit up for the Tigers next season, but only if the terms are agreeable.
“I’ve got six teams willing to pay nearly twice that much, I hope the Auburn realizes the amazing deal I’ve put together for them,” he said. “But I can only bend so far, if they don’t cough up the money, I’ll move on to the highest bidder.”
Cecil, who officially lists his occupation as president of the “Cam Newton Is My Golden Ticket Production Company,” went on to say that three schools in particular have been jockeying for the rights to the talented quarterback: Alabama, Oklahoma and the University of Idaho.
“Alabama and Oklahoma have said they’ll pay whatever price I want, because God’s on their side,” he said. “And while the University of Idaho Vandals can’t match the dollar amount of the other schools, they can get Cam into an awesome frat house, and they’d officially make every Tuesday evening ‘Topless backgammon night in honor of Cecil Newton.’ How can you say no to that?”
In related news, Reggie Bush has reapplied to the University of Southern California, claiming “I made better money playing in college than I do in the pros.”
As the cameras panned Cam’s momma in the stands, I couldn’t help but notice that she was wearing new cloths OFF THE RACK from Layne Bryant. The money has to be rolling in from somewhere.