Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – Phil Davison might not have won the hearts of Stark County voters, but his emotional and confusing GOP primary speech did catch the attention of Hollywood. According to insider reports, Paramount Pictures has confirmed Davison will portray a U.S. Marine Corps Drill Sergeant.

“It’s a dream come true,” Davison shouted earlier this afternoon, before nearly breaking into tears, then yelling again, this time something about ongoing corruption within the Stark County Treasurer’s Office.

While YouTube videos of Davison’s address continue racking up hits by the thousand, it’s his style that could make him a household name. A Paramount spokesman said Davison’s disillusioned screaming instantly reminded him of R. Lee Ermey’s portrayal of Sgt. Loyce in the original “Full Metal Jacket.”

“(Davison) has that ‘what is he talking about’ passion,’” he said. “And did you see all that spit flying out of his mouth? I counted it 27 times. Our cinematographer is going to need a water barrier.”

Full Metal Jacket 2 is scheduled to begin filming within the next few months, and could hit the big screens in time for summer. The plot follows several Marine recruits as they progress through boot camp and the battlefield before passing into obscurity as unemployed actors.

Paramount has already inked legendary producer and director Michael Bay and supporting actors Brad Pitt, Bill Nye the Science Guy and Paris Hilton. Tom Hanks allegedly backed out of the role of Gen. Womack after trying to carry on a conversation with Hilton.

“She talked for 25 minutes and I still have no idea what she said,” Hanks said.