Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – One of history’s most prolific golfers has assured his female fans that his pending divorce “Will signal the return of the old Tiger Woods.”

Moments after Woods and his wife announced their separation plans, the golfer held a press conference in his backyard Jacuzzi and issued the following statement:

“The last few months have been horrible on my game. As many of you know, I haven’t been to a nightclub, disco or drunken orgy since my wife attacked me with my own golf clubs. Now that our marriage is finally over, I’m proud to announce that the Tiger will indeed be back on the prowl.”

When asked by a reporter (who he identified as “The foxy redhead in the front row”) when fans can expect his game to return to the pre-scandal levels, Woods replied: “That’s an interesting question from a very interesting lady. Why don’t you and I discuss it at length tonight, say midnight?”

Woods’ longtime manager and mistress organizer added: “Mark my words, Tiger is back and better than ever.”

“He’s been working on everything,” he said. “His pickup lines are sharp and his conversational humor is the best I’ve ever seen.”

Even golf legend Phil Mickelson seemed impressed, noting that “Tiger hasn’t consistently kicked my ass on the golf course since he stopped sleeping around. I think I speak for every golfer in the PGA when I say that it’s literally been anybody’s game since this whole thing happened, and that’s put us all in a tailspin. Normally we all sit around saying how much we hate the guy and that he’s probably using illegal clubs; but now that most of us have actually won a tournament or two, it’s just not the same.”

In related news, late Basketball great and womanizing legend Wilt Chamberlain’s estate called Tiger Woods “An amateur.”