BP Hires Dell Tech Support For Media Relations
VANDER BITES – Unable to keep up with increasing media requests regarding its catastrophic Gulf Coast oil well failure, BP has announced it will send all incoming calls through Dell’s technical support department.
“We noticed that most people who call Dell for technical support stay on the line for less than 30 seconds, and usually hang up before they get their questions resolved,” a BP media executive said. “Our records indicate that only one-tenth of one percent of all callers stay, that’s the kind of filtering system we need to handle our media overload.”
Reporters, scientists and even government administrators will now be routed through several call centers in India and Asia rather than the traditional BP switch board. And instead of speaking directly with a BP Public Relations Specialist, callers will get their concerns addressed by fully trained, mostly-English-speaking technicians.
“We really should have considered this move years ago,” the BP executive said. “We’re estimating that this should cut down our media coverage to almost zero. And it keeps us from answering tough questions.”
“Depending on how this new project works out, we might consider outsourcing other important tasks to mostly-unqualified, cheap labor employees as well,” he added. “We’ve got a focus group working out the logistics of stocking our off-shore oil rigs with juvenile delinquents, and the accounting department is considering hiring U.S. Senators to handle the profit-loss statements.”
But BP isn’t the only company benefiting from the arrangement, as Dell recently announced a “lucrative” stock option deal: all Dell stockholders will receive discounted gasoline punch cards, BP fan stickers and a ream of company letter-headed printer paper.
