Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – The ailing national economy hit another low note this week, as 48 states have reported laying off some or all of their Unemployment Officers.

The news sent shock waves through Wall Street, where the 37 full-time traders who still have jobs instantly sat down and cried.

President Obama, who earlier proclaimed that the recession was rebounding, said the turn of events affects everyone, including himself.

“How in the heck am I going to pay my bills once I’m out of office?” he asked. “As much as I love presiding over the greatest country in the world, it’s a dead-end job. How many presidents do you know who have gotten jobs after leaving office? None. And with nobody to help me fill out my unemployment paperwork, I might as well declare bankruptcy now and get it over with.”

Economists say the move is a last-ditch effort by many states.

“There just isn’t enough in the budget to justify these positions,” an Illinois Department of Labor spokesman said. “Though we have offered them a very generous government severance package that includes a stack of ‘I Heart The Illinois Department of Labor’ window stickers and up to five pads of legal-size writing paper.”

The story is similar in New York, where state officials have reported less than $100 in total tax revenues so far this year – and the majority of that came from sales taxes on Eli Manning football jerseys.

And the situation is particularly dire in California, where unemployment has surged to include everyone except Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and a diesel mechanic in Fresno.

Only Arizona and Idaho have not laid off any Unemployment Office staff, but for varying reasons. Arizona governor Jan Brewer said the state has resorted to paid advertising on all state employee name tags, including hers: “Jan Brewer – Governor – Brought To You By Viagra.”

Idaho, which is one of the few remaining Right-To-Work states in the country, did reduce its Unemployment Office staff by 90 percent, but refused to call the act a layoff. “These people quit by their own accord,” Idaho Governor Butch Otter said. “They were given the opportunity to stay on staff and work 90-hour weeks with no benefits or bathroom breaks, and a 83 percent reduction in salary – if they don’t like it, that’s their problem. They should be thankful they had jobs. So technically they quit by their own accord. And those that didn’t were fired for insubordination – of which unemployment doesn’t apply.”