Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – Racing to fill the void of a retiring Supreme Court justice, President Obama quickly appointed a popular toy to the nation’s highest judicial bench.

“The Magic 8 Ball knows all,” Obama told a cheering crowd of supporters this morning in front of a Washington D.C. Wal-Mart where he purchased the toy. And when challenged by a heckler unhappy with a “Crystal Ball” making decisions that will affect the American society for generations, the President confided in his appointee with a vigorous shake, which then replied: “Signs point to yes.”

Between chants of “Yes we can,” Obama explained that the Magic 8 Ball is uniquely qualified to judge matters at the nation’s highest level.

“It offers 20 different answers, and doesn’t formulate an opinion until the question has been fully debated,” he said. “And it’s made of plastic, so it will never biodegrade, which means unlike humans, the Magic 8 Ball will never retire – our great country will never worry about losing its trusted, ageless wisdom.”

Even republicans seemed supportive.

“At first I was skeptical,” Idaho Representative Mike Simpson said. “But then I consulted my trusted campaign manager, who also happens to be a Magic 8 Ball, and was comforted by ‘Outlook Good.’”

But Obama’s unusual pick wasn’t without disenters. Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh called the 8 Ball “Socialist,” “Communist” and “An obvious opponent of the Second Amendment.” He also expressed disappointment that his trusted confidant, Oxycontin, was never considered.

Still, all majors polls suggest that Americans strongly agree with the Presidents choice. An initial Harris Poll indicated that 93 percent of the country approves of the Magic 8 Ball, 4 percent appose it, 11 percent are unsure and 1 percent can’t add to 100.

The new appointee must survive the U.S. Senate, which confirms any president’s judicial nominees. Though top political analysts see no major hurdles.

“This is a major turning point for our country,” Obama said. “And to quote my trusted colleague: ‘You may rely on it.’”