Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – The Grand Canyon State has declared another enemy in its tough stance against illegal immigration: Snow Birds.

According to new language introduced to the already-controversial Arizona law requiring proof of national residency, the Valley of the Sun mandates that “Any person or persons within the borders of Arizona must provide, upon the request of state officials, all necessary paperwork proving the person is not indeed a citizen of another state that is merely taking advantage of Arizona’s for warm winter weather, world-famous golf courses and expansive RV facilities.”

The bold addition to Arizona SB 1070 – a passage which included the word “thereunto” 37 times – drew instant criticism from the GOP, the AARP and the National Association For Ugly Golf Socks.

“Jumping Jehoshaphat, this law is ridiculous,” an AARP spokesman said. “The state is targeting rich, white, retired people; good people who have come to the state to live the Arizona dream: play golf, drive crazy and demand local resources without paying state and local property taxes.”

“It’s every rich, old, white guy’s American dream to buy a motor home and commute to Arizona every winter without actually legally moving here and paying the appropriate assessments,” he said. “We will fight this.”

According to the new law, all persons must present statehood residency papers upon request of any law enforcement official, a policy local and state police jurisdictions are questioning.

“Our forces are maxed out every winter when we notice an influx of people driving 25 miles-per-hour under the speed limit, leaving turn signals on and physically threatening children for stepping on lawns,” an Arizona Highway Patrol sergeant said. “There aren’t enough man hours in the state budget to include time spent demanding, reviewing and researching such paperwork.”

Conservative pundit Bill O’Reilly, who initially supported the new law when it focused only on national origin, said the new wording “Contradicts everything America stands for.” He pledged his support to “Fight the tyranny of an overzealous state government.”

“The state has gone too far,” he said. “As a rich white guy nearing retirement age – and also the proud owner of a 45-foot Winnebago – I will fight this measure to the grave.”

But Arizona Governor Jan Brewer said the media has “turned the law into something it’s not.”

“The law does not single one group out over another,” she said. “Arizona does not discriminate based on socioeconomic status, skin color or national or state origin. We are not economically profiling.”

Still, Brewer thinks that Arizona is leading the way against an influx of retired people “who only strain our already underfunded infrastructure” and thinks other states will soon follow.

“Florida has it just as bad as we do,” she said. “Maybe even worse, because their basketball teams suck.”