Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – Amid years of public speculation, platinum-selling music artist Ricky Martin has confirmed that he is not Puerto Rican.

Martin came out during a press conference yesterday.

“I knew this day would come,” Martin told the mixed group of reporters and screaming 30-year-old married women. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to do this earlier, and I’m sorry for putting my family through all the lies. But I am who I am.”

The announcement sent shock waves through the entertainment industry, particularly at the nation’s biggest music retailer.

“It does change things quite a bit,” John Tesserol, a Wal-Mart electronics manager in Chicago, said. “Now we’ve got to re-rack all of the Ricky Martin CDs out of the Latin section and into the frozen foods.”

He added: “Luckily all of his albums were already in the clearance bin, so it won’t take long.”

Martin’s surprise announcement came only hours after admitting his homosexuality, leading some insiders to speculate that the singer may be working with an image consultant.

“Coming out with random things like this is becoming all the rage, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s setting the stage for a comeback,” a Rolling Stone senior editor said. “If that’s the case, we can probably expect seven or eight major ‘coming clean’ stories from Mr. Martin within the week.”

Martin, who has also appeared in several Latin films, soap operas and commercials, also admitted, “I can’t speak a lick of Spanish. I used Google translator for all of my lines.”

In related news, Sen. John McCain also admitted that his ethnic heritage isn’t as diverse as he once let on:

“My assertion that my family lineage links to anywhere except Whiteland, Scandinavia was incorrect,” the former presidential candidate told Black Entertainment Television (BET). “I spoke prematurely when I discovered what could have been a family ancestor in 17th century London.”