Jesus Spotted In Health Care Reform Bill
VANDER BITES: Just hours after its historic passage, the fiercely-debated health care reform bill has picked up some unlikely allies: The Religious Right.
The reason? It’s on page 24,598, about two-thirds of the way down the page near the left margin. That’s where Christian Coalitions throughout the world are spotting what appears to be a blurry image of Jesus Christ.
“You have to hold you head just right, and hold the page up to a fluorescent bulb,” conservative talking head Rush Limbaugh told his listeners early this morning. “But it’s clear that Jesus himself is in this bill. And if it’s good enough for Jesus, then it’s good enough for America.”
Michael Savage, a fierce critic of anything unrelated to guns, shared similar sentiments.
“I may hate every last one of you, but I love this new health care bill,” he said. “When it becomes law, the rule of Jesus will once again rain fire on the Democrats, and Hollywood will feel the wrath of Republican missionaries.”
In related news, President Obama has pledged to auction the bill on Ebay to save America’s falling economy.
“I saw where somebody paid $1 million for a piece of burnt toast that looked like the Virgin Mary,” he said. “This (bill) should fetch enough to pay for the Iraq War.”
Huh, who would have thought Jesus would show up in a health care bill that attempts to care about the health of a people. I mean really, it’s not like he went around curing skin diseases or helping lame peoople to walk again. Wierd.