Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – The Canadian Air Force is reporting that a squadron of its fighter jets are partially responsible for an American skier’s wreck at the 2010 Winter Olympic Games.

Patrick Deneen, an American mogul skier, apparently jumped too high from the Vancouver course’s second ramp and accidentally entered protected “no fly” airspace. The Canadian government, on high alert for terrorist activities, immediately scrambled a squadron of F-16 fighters and intercepted Deneen during his famed “D-Spin” jump.

Canadian Air Force officials say the no-fly zone is strictly enforced, and information has been widely distributed for months leading up to the Olympics.

“This shouldn’t catch anyone by surprise,” an Air Force general said. “The word has been out since last summer. Anyone who says they didn’t know about (the no fly zone) is either lying or willingly putting himself in harm’s way.”

Deneen, who many expected to medal in the mogul event, lived through the encounter, but was ultimately disqualified by Olympic judges for “Leaving the course” and “Performing a potential act of war.”

A special U.S. Congress subcommittee is reviewing the incident, and could register a formal complaint within the week.

“We feel that the Canadian government acted hastily without due diligence,” Idaho Congressman Walt Minnick said. “At the very most, the country should have arrested him without cause and thrown him into an off-shore prison without a trial or legal defense.”

Deneen says the incident put his life into perspective.

“My whole life I’ve always lived by the ‘Bigger is better’ mantra,” he said. “But looking into the nose cone of a guided missile changes all of that. Maybe it’s time to put aside silly Olympic dreams and live the American dream: a steady 48-hour per week job with forced, unpaid overtime, a house I can’t afford, several government subsidies and a GOP membership card.”