Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – The United States of America is one state smaller now that Congress has decided to trade in Wyoming using the popular “Cash For Clunkers” bail out program.

“It’s not that we didn’t like Wyoming,” President Obama told the press earlier today. “It’s just that this is the right time to trade up.”

Obama also mentioned that maintenance costs played a major factor, but until the Cash For Clunker program came out, it didn’t make sense to get rid of it.

“It got horrible mileage, it was always in the shop and neither the air conditioner nor heater worked, you were always too hot or too cold.” Obama said. “And the passenger window wouldn’t roll down and the eastern seat smelled like barf.”

 ”Still, the state had been paid off for several years and it didn’t make sense to start new payments,” he added.

In exchange for the western state, the United States received a tax voucher and a $4,500 check to go towards the purchase of a newer, more efficient piece of land. Wyoming, on the other hand, will likely be scrapped and recycled. Given increasing demand for recycled raw materials, there’s a good chance the cowboy state will reincarnate as a Pacific Island or Glacier.

The United States is already looking for a replacement territory, and several members of Congress have expressed interested in European and Middle Eastern models.

“European states just have a certain exotic quality that’s hard to match,” Idaho Senator Jim Risch said. “They accelerate like a bullet and ride like they’re on rails, but it’s hard to find any that don’t smell like arm pits.”

The Government is also considering a new Iraq or Afghanistan model as a more practical alternative.

“They practically come with their own gas pump,” Obama said.” And we have tremendous experience modifying and repairing them. Unfortunately they’re like the old Ford Pintos in that they have a tendency to catch fire or explode without warning.”