Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – Following a surprise resignation as Alaska’s governor, former vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin announced her new job: lead vocalist with rock band Van Halen.

“It’s a great opportunity,” Palin’s agent said this morning. “I think she realized that pretty much anyone can serve as Alaska’s governor, but Van Halen only hires vocalists about once every eight years or so.”

The Republican superstar and the aging Van Halen brothers have been working on new material together and hope to release a new album by the end of the year. The Palin-fronted group has been touring heavily since Palin announced her resignation.

“I’m leaving for a higher calling,” Palin told reporters at her resignation press conference. “And it involves spandex, guitar solos and crazy groupies.”

Eddie Van Halen, considered one of history’s greatest guitar players, said Palin was a “Natural fit” for the band.

“Normally we find unknown artists and turn them into superstars before wrecking their careers,” Van Halen said. “In Sarah’s case, she is already a mess, so in that sense we don’t have to reinvent the wheel. We can focus on making music that’s out of touch with today’s audiences.”

Former Van Halen front man Sammy Hagar wished Palin good luck, but cautioned her that “They’ll screw you over first chance they get.”

“They’ll ride your success all the way to the top, then boot you out like a bad roomate,” he added.

David Lee Roth, who fronted Van Halen before Hagar, was surprised by the news. “What day is this?” he asked before falling over a trash can.

Despite the controversy, sources say Palin’s voice is a perfect fit for the band. Her deep sultry singing style has been likened to such greats as Barry White and Marvin Gaye.