Vander Bites

Still reeling from the deadly Swine Flu outbreak, scientists say the world could face another dangerous epidemic within the next coming months, the Chrysler Flu.

Symptoms initially include dizziness and nausea, but quickly evolve to aggressive driving, rapid vehicle value depreciation, faulty warranties and even manufacturer bankruptcy.

Carried by dangerous bacterial microbes present in most Chrysler, Dodges and Jeep vehicles, the Chrysler Flu can incubate for several weeks before its host shows any symptoms. The delay worries the CDC officials, who say the disease can spread rapidly because those who are infected don’t realize they’re spreading it.

“We haven’t seen anything like this since the Studebaker Cough of the 1960s,” said an FDA spokesman. “If we don’t act fast, one out of every three cars out on the road today could be a worthless hunk of scrap metal within the end of the year.”

Several instances have already been reported, including one St. Louis driver whose Dodge Ram pickup literally disintegrated as he merged onto the Interstate freeway.

“It just melted into a pile of dust,” the driver said. “So I collected the dust and took it to a certified Chrysler repair shop. They said it was a faulty fuel injector regulator and that it wasn’t covered by the warranty.”

“They hit me with a 700 dollar bill and said, ‘Good luck,’” he added.

Officials have already contacted other vehicles that had parked within close proximity of the pickup, but worry it might be too late.

“He parked at a Wal-Mart,” a Centers for Disease Control spokesperson said. “At this point we aren’t sure if he spread the infection there, or if he picked it up from another carrier – perhaps a PT Cruiser.”