Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – Ending months of speculation, the Somalian government has officially announced that its version of the Broadway classic musical “Pirates of Penzance” will open on June 13.

A senior production assistant said the mostly lawless country decided against its original start date of Sept. 23 after several actors died while “developing their characters.”

“We have a very dedicated cast,” the assistant said. “Many principal actors, and even some of the background chorus singers, are true method actors. When not rehearsing, they spend several hours a day acting just like real pirates. They board ships, they take prisoners, they fire guns, they throw grenades and they don’t bathe.”

“Some even address the stage director as ‘Aye, Cap’n.’”

The Somalian government wanted to keep the show hush-hush, then “Open with a dazzling musical that nobody ever saw coming.” But in light of recent circumstances, the government agreed to formally announce the show and push the opening date forward.

“Our number one priority is the safety of our crew… I mean cast,” the assistant said. “Sure we want to put on a good show, but that doesn’t matter if we lose a handful of actors in the process.”

Fortunately the pirate actors killed by U.S. special forces this past month had only minor roles in the show. Only one had any actual lines.

“It’s been really hard to rehears these past days,” the assistant added. “Our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone involved – and to any second tenors out there who are looking for a paying gig.”