Vander Bites

Facing a worsening economic crisis, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke has developed a new strategy aimed at putting more dollars in the pockets of middle class Americans: he wants to sell Wall Street.

“I don’t even know why we still have it,” he told members of the Senate. “Nobody ever walks down that street, and it doesn’t even lead anywhere. But it’s in a prime location and, even in today’s real estate downturn, it’s worth a fortune.”

Bernanke said the street – which was once famous for corporate level business transactions – has become dilapidated and “a hindrance to the surrounding neighborhoods.”

“Have any of you guys been down there recently?” he asked the Senate. “The place is a mess. There are little pieces of paper everywhere and grown men and women in business suits consuming large quantities of drugs and alcohol. Every day it looks more like Mardi Gras and less like an economic engine powering the free world.”

Given Wall Street’s proximity to downtown New York City, real estate experts predict the slumming thoroughfare could fetch as much as $259,000 on the free market. And a number of potential buyers have already expressed interest, including France, which sold the United States the majority of its continental land in the Louisiana Purchase, and Russia, which is still laughing after unloading a barren Alaska nearly a century ago. Neither country offered further details, but a Russian ambassador hinted at opening a TCBY Yogurt shop.

“Let’s not sniff a gift horse in the mouth,” Bernanke said. “With an additional quarter million dollars, we could afford to pay for another executive bonus at AIG – that’s something we can’t do right now. I mean, we are, but we shouldn’t. Probably.”