Vander Bites

Struggling to keep up with the billions of dollars appropriated by the U.S. government, AIG has announced it will outsource its spending duties.

Until recently, the company has kept pace with its revenues, wasting roughly $300 for every $1 in profit – an “intense, yet healthy” conversion rate, according to an AIG corporate spokesman. But a recent government bailout put too much pressure on the banking conglomerate, which was already stretched to its maximum.

“It’s just too much too fast,” the spokesman said. “For years, AIG’s squanderings have barely kept pace with the amount of money coming in. We were all working late hours making sure all available money was properly wasted. It’s not as easy as it looks on TV.”

“This bailout is just too much,” he added. “Realistically, it would have taken our guys years to throw this kind of tax payer money down the toilet. We had no choice but to outsource our spending authority to a qualified overseas contractor.”

This isn’t the first big spending job for Asian-based General Motors Depreciation Services, a spin-off of American-based General Motors. The company spent nearly a decade working in-house at its namesake parent company before relocating to the east.

“We are fully confident in their wasteful spending abilities,” the spokesman said. “They are experienced and committed.”

The news sent shockwaves through Wall Street, causing a panic that hadn’t been seen since five minutes prior when Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke sneazed on national television.