Vander Bites

VANDER BITES – Still reeling from recent marijuana allegations, Olympic swimming superstar Michael Phelps’s reputation took another hit today after Oregon police cited him for SWI, or “swimming while intoxicated.”

Police say they received a tip from a lap swimmer at a Eugene, Oregon swimming pool early this morning regarding a “very erratic swimmer.” When they arrived they found the Olympic athlete performing flip turns in the kiddie pool. He failed traditional poolside sobriety tests and refused a breathalyzer.

“He was pretty out of it,” an Oregon State Police spokesman said. “He was slurring his words and combining his strokes. He was swimming the freestyle with a breaststroke kick and substituted the butterfly with the corkscrew.”

One swimmer said Phelps nearly sideswiped him at one point, which caused the swimmer to swerve into a lane line, resulting in minor finger abrasions. But he said it could have ended much worse.

“I’m lucky to still be here, something like that really puts things into perspective,” the swimmer said.

According to witnesses, Phelps stayed up all night partying at various University of Oregon fraternity houses. Though some said the erratic behavior in the pool was merely a sign of physical and emotional fatigue.

“Michael was clean all night,” a campus fraternity representative said. “This points out the big misconception about fraternities. We don’t party all the time, and we’re certainly not addicted to drugs or alcohol. We merely stayed up studying philosophy and advanced quantum theories. That kind of material will wear anybody out… and don’t look in my closet, there’s nothing in there.”