Vander Bites

Facing the first Super Bowl “that anyone can remember” that wouldn’t feature New England quarterback Tom Brady, the National Football League announced that the injured superstar will perform during halftime.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the new “A Brady Halftime” – which completely replaces the previously announced lineup including rocker Bruce Springsteen – should alleviate any disorientation resulting from not seeing Brady on the field.

“Tom has been synonymous with the Super Bowl for years,” Goodell said. “So much so that we hadn’t really considered the possibility that he wouldn’t be in this one. And a Super Bowl without him, well, that’s not very super at all, is it?”

The announcement had an immediate impact on television advertising sales, driving prices to nearly $1 billion per second – a significant increase from yesterday’s $1.05 per hour rate. Bud Light, which has built a reputation for running hilarious television ads during the Bowl game, said the creative marketing team “is working with a renewed vigor.”

“We were at a loss,” a Bud Light spokesman said. “We were going to run depressing funeral footage, that’s all we could think of. Now we’ve got a hilarious concept that involves a parakeet and a bowling ball.”

Brady, who lead the Patriots to Super Bowls XXXVI, XXXIX, NIN, WWE, PETA and FBI, severely injured his knee last fall and sat out nearly the entire season. The time off has given him plenty of time to catch up on other talents, such as modeling, cologne endorsing, standing around in his underwear for billboard advertisements and dating supermodels.