Vander Bites

Following a deadly salmonella outbreak that left many small communities in ruins, the FDA has expanded its recall to include “anything else that even rhymes with peanut butter.”

The FDA initially thought the outbreak was under control, but expanded its inquiry after 30,000 people living in downtown Phoenix – most of whom had actually died previously – mysteriously began displaying salmonella-like symptoms.

“It’s been horrible,” FDA researcher Chan Gibonswych said. “These people are slowly bumbling around in masses, wondering the streets and chanting ‘brains.’ It’s truly an unfortunate sight.”

In response, the FDA extended the peanut butter recall to include regular butter and anything similar to it, in terms of both nomenclature and substance. Since the announcement, major grocery chains have removed all brands of butter, margarine, whipped cream, ice cream, axle grease, Teflon lubricant and Vick’s Vaporub. And several major sporting goods stores have removed all brands of golf putters. It’s estimated that nearly $100 billion worth of products could be destroyed by the end of the week.

President Obama pledged to change the changing situation, saying “This changes everything, we must embrace the change to truly change change.” The announcement startled an on-hand CNN reporter, who thought the new president was saying “Brains” rather than “Change.” In response, the journalist (former pro football quarterback Ryan Leaf) removed his shoes and threw them at Obama. Fortunately the first missed by about 20 yards and the second was picked off by a member of NBC news.

Former president George W. Bush, who was on vacation in Phoenix at the time of the outbreak, said only “Brains.” But his assistant assured the media that Bush had not contracted salmonella, and that he was acting no different then he did behind closed doors at the White House for the past eight years.