Vander Bites

Ending what some experts have called “The Cold War Part 2,” The People’s Republic of China officially converted to democracy after the release of a long-awaited hard rock album aptly titled “Chinese Democracy.”

The album – written, performed and produced by what’s left of the heavy metal supergroup Guns ‘n Roses – includes an assortment of politically-charged, angst-driven rock epics. But political scientists say that the album’s backwards messages likely played the largest role.

For instance, when the track “Sorry” is played in reverse, it’s easy to hear “China should be a democracy” approximately 30 seconds into the song. The same goes for “Shackler’s Revenge,” which contains “China should join the free world, so the Chinese people can buy this album because it’ll probably tank in the ‘States.”

Regardless, Axl Rose and an otherwise non-Guns ‘n Roses lineup induced a social change long considered impossible by politicians. The Chinese people reacted favorably to the announcement, celebrating in many of the country’s largest cities – dancing to such new G’n'R tracks as “If The World” and “This I Love.”

“(Chinese Democracy) will probably go down as one of the most influential albums of all time,” pundit Jack Dawson said. “Which is ironic considering how ho-hum the actual music is.”

The new Guns ‘n Roses band, which is missing such founding members as… well, everyone except for front man Axl Rose, spent nearly two decades recording the new album. The delay caused much speculation, including the infamous America’s Most Wanted incident when host John Walsh thought the group had been kidnapped.

In related news, Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx announced the group’s next album will be titled “The Chinese Electoral College” and will include tracks such as “Recount,” “Voter Fraud” and “Punch Card Blues.”