Vander Bites

In an unprecedented campaign maneuver intended to compensate for lagging poll numbers, Republican presidential hopeful John McCain is urging Americans not to vote Tuesday.

“You’re one vote doesn’t really matter in the big scheme of things,” McCain told a crowd outside an Arizona roller skating rink late Monday evening. “Why waste your time?”

Pundits say the strategy could be worth nearly 75% of the popular vote.

“It’s a big risk, but it’s got the potential to not only give him an edge, he could actually run away with the election,” said one political scientist. “No body really likes voting anyway, and if Americans as a whole don’t vote, McCain could steam roll this election because his housekeepers are contractually required to cast their ballots in his favor.”

It’s estimated that McCain employs more than 250 housekeepers throughout the United States, or roughly one for every two homes he owns.

And the strategy seems to be working. Early exit polls show McCain leading Democratic rival Barack Obama by 73 to 27 – that’s total votes, not percentages.

Democratic vice presidential hopeful Joe Biden denounced the strategy, calling it “the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.” Though Biden later confessed that he wasn’t planning on voting either.

President Bush, who emerged from the Whitehouse’s hedge maze where he was lost for nearly three weeks, heard McCain’s plea Tuesday afternoon and called it “Crappy.”

“As Americans, we must stand up for what we believe, and that means casting our votes in every election,” he said. “I promise you that every vote counts – I’m living proof.”