Vander Bites

Citing a tough job market, President Bush announced today that he’ll likely seek unemployment benefits after vacating the nation’s highest office early next year.

Bush said he was hesitant about the decision, but he “really didn’t have a choice.” He has interviewed for several positions within the private sector, “but nobody is biting.”

Bush has supposedly turned in 197 applications since the presidential election earlier this month. Of those, 32 called him in for interviews, and three have asked for follow up interviews. But employers ultimate chose other candidates in each instance.

“He’s got a great resume, but ultimately he didn’t interview very well,” Kyle Spanders, a night manager at Block Buster Video in Washington, D.C. said of his encounter with the outgoing president. “He started off with some Texas hyperbole I’ve never heard of, then got distracted when we started playing ‘Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver’ on the store’s large television.”

Other establishments, like NAPA Auto Parts, Burger King, Jim’s Tackle and Bait, Verizon and Circuit City haven’t even gone that far.

“I just don’t think his skill set matches our company mission,” said Red Lobster manager Kacy Jaungangler.

Pundits argue that Bush’s resume might be a little too extreme.

“It’s not that it’s not impressive, I just don’t think ‘I overthrew a violent regime and locked our country into a nagging war’ should be featured in bold text,’” Arlington Temporary Job Services resume analyst Toby Reynolds said. “I’ve said to him, ‘Let’s focus on your people or computer skills,’ but he’s just not listening to me.”

A saddened Bush recently told reporters “You guys have kicked me around in the media for eight years… can one of you write me a letter of recommendation? You know I’m good for it.”