Vander Bites

Growing weary of the economy’s recent shenanigans, the Federal Reserve is planning a massive intervention in the hopes it will “clean up its act.”

Chairman Ben Bernanke announced Tuesday that friends, family and “anyone who cares about the economy and wants to see it cleaned up” is welcome to attend.

Bernanke said the U.S. economy, which has battled bipolar disorder for more than 200 years, is in the midst of one of the harshest depressions he’s ever seen.

As the economy’s legal guardian, Bernanke has recently struggled to keep it off illegal substances such as sub-prime mortgages, junk bonds and high-tech stocks. He first suspected illegal drug use about two years ago when the economy “seemed a little too peppy.” But it wasn’t until the economy missed several important exchange rates a few months ago that he put the dots together.

“The economy wouldn’t come home for days at a time, and then we’d find it passed out on the front yard of the Japanese Stock Market,” he said. “We were hoping it was a one-time, experimental, college kind of thing.”

His hopes were dashed about five months ago when he got a late-night collect call from Europe.

“It just kept saying, ‘Ben, I don’t want to live any longer, I think I’m going to throw myself under the Euro,’” Bernanke said. “You could tell in its voice that it was coming down off something really strong.”

Since then the U.S. economy has run amok, partying nightly and staying up long after the U.S. stock markets close. Such encounters have been widely publicized by paparazzi and tabloid reporters, who have repeatedly spotted the economy taking hits of Wachovia – a strong financial amphetamine. It was also recently charged with assault after throwing Washington Mutual to the ground during a game of beer pong. And last week it shaved its head in Hollywood after a late night spent with such notorious players as A.I.G. and Tommy Lee.

“It’s gotten way out of control,” Bernanke said. “We’re hoping that once it sees how many people care about it, it’ll take the initiative and get itself cleaned up.”