Vander Bites

Desperate to pull away from his Republican rival, presidential hopeful Barack Obama began a new campaign strategy on Monday that closely resembles the one used by the NFL’s Miami Dolphins during their upset blowout of the New England Patriots the day before.

“We are going to run the same play over and over again,” Obama alegedly told his elite strategists behind closed doors Sunday night. “It can’t miss. I’m out $200 to prove it.”

From here forward, Obama will deliver his speeches out of the shotgun formation, with his best security personnel lined up in “trips-right.” If he sees a weakness in the media, such as a favorable man-to-man match up against Bill O’Reilly, he can audible into a new speech.

Obama and his upper management were unavaiable for comment Monday afternoon, though a handmade note that said “Do not enter, analyzing McCain game film” was posted at the campaign’s headquarters.

Still, Democrat strategists have been quick to discredit the likeness between the new plan and Miami’s surprise victory against one of the NFL’s most dominant teams.

“It’s just pure coincidence,” said new campaign spokesman Casey Cramer, who until Monday morning was the Miami Dolphins’ starting fullback. “If anybody stole anything, the NFL stole from Coach Obama.”